(notso) URGENT APPEAL: Cooking should be banned

I'm going to teach you something today guys. Something that I'm fairly sure will impact the rest of your life and change you completely. And it all starts with a story, as all good lessons do.

A girl, one fine morning, decided to have a boiled egg for breakfast. Nothing out of the ordinary, why should you be interested? Well, this was no normal day. The girl boiled the water, gently dropped in the egg and waited the impatient four minutes needed to cook the egg. She put it in a kitschy bunny egg cup and with her toast soldiers by her side, she felt ready to face the day. She cut the top off the egg and horror of horrors the egg was not cooked, the egg whites wobbled and sloshed inside the shell. The girl sighed in frustration, how was she supposed to revise on an empty stomach? So she did the only thing that seemed rational at this time.She placed the opened, wibbly-wobbley-eggy-weggy into the microwave and let it run for a few seconds. When she pulled it out she realised; there was something wrong, very wrong. The egg had puffed up like some big balloon. So again, using her amazing intellect, she grabbed a fork and stabbed the egg. 

People of the world (spice up your life) if there is one thing that you take away from the entirety of my blogging career, please let it be this; Never, ever, ever microwave an egg- even if you've part cooked it and opened it- just don't do it. Like, ever. 

Unless, of course, you want to end up covered in burning hot scrambled egg. 

I'm going to tell you a secret now; that girl, was me. Crazy, I know! And, let me tell you: scrambled egg is not easy to get out of your hair and I'm fairly sure it's burnt my eyelid or something. Which is fun... Those eggs, they're sneaky little blighters. Like mini free range grenades. 

I've learnt a lot today about cooking, life, fear, and this leads me to the moral of my story. Don't cook. Just don't do it. I mean, if I had a penny for every accident or mishap I've had in the kitchen I would be a gazillionaire. 

  • The "DAD! I-think-I-just-sliced-part-off-my-finger-off-with-the-potato-peeler" Incident (I didn't, it was just a very deep cut, but y'know- pain!
  • The "Erm... Mum... I just blew up the sandwich toaster..." Event
  • The "KIMBERLEY! Were you frying an egg by any chance?" "Oh yeah- why?" "Well, it's fried into the metal..." Mishap (See: again with the eggs!)
  • And my personal favourite: The Great I-lit-fire-to-an-oven-filled-with-gas-and-now-I've-singed-off-all-the-hairs-on-my-arm Accident. I was fine, just in case you were worried. 
The message to us is a clear one; the kitchen is a dangerous place, made more dangerous by the ridiculous activity of cooking

So my dear ones, if you value your lives and are as accident-prone as me; don't cook. Ever again. What else are parents/significantothers/restaurants for?!

Kimmy x
Ps. Yeah I can't see it lasting either. 


Jessica said...

Hahaha. This post literally made me laugh out loud. You are most certainly correct, the kitchen is an incredibly dangerous place! That sounds like something I would do. And I think perhaps you should not try cooking eggs anymore. :) I struggle with even the most easy things, like the frozen delicacy known as bagel bites. I dumped the entire pan of them in the oven while taking them out. So, the little pizzas full of melted cheese covered the bottom of the still hot oven, face down. The smell of burning cheese was horrible and lasted for days. And it was a HUGE mess to clean up. So don't feel bad...we've all had our share of embarrassing kitchen encounters! Definitely why I love restaurants so much. :)

Kimmy said...

Yeah! I think I'll just never eat eggs again or something ;) I'm glad I'm not the only one then!!
What's worse is that my mum is a super whizz in the kitchen because she used to be a chef or something... ;)
Kimmy x

Kieren said...

Omg kimmy I can't believe that you microwaved an egg *facepalm* and the frying an egg into the frying pan scenario made me laugh the most

Kimmy said...

Hahaha I know! I'm so stupid when it comes to cooking! I'm a danger to everyone! ;)
Kimmy x